Return of the Creeper
by Christine M. Greenleaf
Summary: awesomeinhumanfrom asked me to write another Creeper story, so I did. Enjoy, all you Creeper fans! :-)
1. Chapter 1

**Return of the Creeper**

"I'm Jack Ryder, reporting live at the scene of the incident, which has been ongoing for the past four hours. It escalated quickly in the early hours of the morning – police were called to the area but were unable to control the violence, which spread rapidly. Now Batman is on the roof, where I think our cameras are just able to see him trying to reason with the criminals, which, in this reporter's opinion, is a useless gesture when dealing with two homicidal maniacs. I'll hand the news story over to the chopper and try to get closer to the scene of the action. Carl, what's going on up there?"

"Well, Jack, we can't be sure, but this appears to be a domestic dispute between the Joker and his girlfriend, Harley Quinn, who have what can kindly be described as a tumultuous relationship. It's anyone's guess how the incident started or what the fight is about, but I'm patching the feed we're getting on our microphones through. Sensitive viewers may wish to leave the room – there's a risk of some strong language."

"…you worthless, useless, utter waste of space! Why the hell won't you just die?!" came the Joker's voice, followed by a hail of bullets.

"After all I've done for you, and this is how you treat me, you ungrateful jerk?!" shrieked Harley Quinn. "I hate you, you disgusting creep! I hate you! I hope this wipes the dumb smile off your stupid face once and for all!"

There was another hail of bullets. "Missed me! You're crap at shooting just like you're crap at life, you dumb bitch! I wish I'd never used you to escape from Arkham! If I'd have known you'd be clinging to me like the pathetic little brat you are, I would've just shot you in the head after we escaped!"

"And I can't believe I wasted the best years of my life on you, you selfish clown!"

"Call those your best? Lemme tell you what I remember about the best years of your life, Harley – lousy cooking, a whole lotta whining, and mediocre sex!"

"Take it back!" shrieked Harley, lunging at him. Batman held her back.

"Harley, please, stop this before one of you dies!"

"Stay outta this, Bats, he's mine!" shouted Harley. She broke away from Batman suddenly and leapt at Joker, kicking him in the head and knocking him to the edge of the roof. She was about to kick him again when he rolled out of the way, sending herself flying over the side. She grabbed onto the edge of the roof, trying to pull herself up. Batman rushed down the other side, preparing to catch her.

"Don't bother, Bats, just let her die!" said Joker, glaring down at her. "She's no use to anyone. She's never been any use to anyone, just a worthless, pathetic, dumb blonde bimbo. Should have done this a long time ago," he muttered, preparing to step on her hands.

"Yeah, me too!" snapped Harley, ripping out a knife and stabbing him in the leg. He shouted in pain, losing his balance and falling over the edge. He grabbed Harley on the way down, and she screamed as they fell together. She managed to grab onto a railing about halfway down the building, but struggled to hold onto it.

"Harley, listen to me very carefully," hissed Joker, hanging off her leg and looking down. "Do not let go of that railing."

"You think I'm an idiot, Mr. J?" she hissed, trying to hang on. She looked around for Batman, who was hurrying over to them. She just hoped he could reach them before…

And suddenly she lost her grip and they plummeted again. Harley shut her eyes and prepared for a lotta pain as they impacted onto the roof of the neighboring building and fell through it, landing on the floor below amid a hail of dust and broken beams. She coughed and struggled to her feet, relatively unhurt.

"Thanks for breaking my fall, puddin'," she said, looking down at him.

"That's ok, pooh, something broke mine," he said, standing up. They both looked down to see Jack Ryder, lying senseless on the floor.

"Hey, it's the reporter guy!" exclaimed Joker, beaming. "Think he was trying to get a good news story, pooh?"

"I think he just found one!" giggled Harley. "What should we do with him, Mr. J?"

"I dunno," said Joker, grinning. "But it'll be a whole lotta fun, whatever it is!" He laughed, and then winced slightly and pulled the blade out of his leg. "Jesus, baby, you could have been a little more gentle with the stabbing."

"Sorry, puddin'," cooed Harley, kneeling down and kissing his wound. "But I was really angry at you up there, saying all those mean things about me. You didn't mean 'em, did you, puddin'?"

"Nah, not most of them," he said.

"Well, which ones did you mean?" she asked, looking up at him.

"I dunno," he replied, shrugging.

"Whaddya mean you don't know?" demanded Harley, suddenly angry again. "You said I was a lousy cook!"

"Well, you are," he retorted.

"And that I whined a lot!"

"And what are you doing now?" he demanded.

"And that the sex was mediocre!"

He didn't respond. "It ain't mediocre!" shrieked Harley.

"Maybe not for you, pooh…" he began, but Harley shrieked again and leapt at him, knocking him to the ground and punching him repeatedly in the face.

"It ain't mediocre!" she hissed. "It ain't, it ain't, it ain't! Is it, Mr. J?" she asked, suddenly desperate.

He chuckled. "You'll have to remind me, pooh," he whispered, flipping her over suddenly and kissing her.

"Oh…Mr. J!" she breathed adoringly, returning his kisses. "Oh yes! Yes! Oh, I love you, puddin'!"

They heard a groan suddenly. "Was that you?" asked Joker, looking at her.

"Of course it ain't me!" she snapped. They both turned to see Jack Ryder slowly regaining consciousness.

"Oops, we'll have to postpone playtime, pooh!" chuckled Joker, standing up. "Mustn't be naughty in front of our guest!"

Harley sighed in disappointment and rose, standing next to Joker and watching Jack Ryder gradually wake up. He opened his eyes and shook his head slowly, and then suddenly felt his arm. Panic leapt into his eyes.

"Oh no," he muttered. "Oh no. Where's the patch?"

"Patch?" repeated Joker.

"Yes, my patch," said Jack Ryder, not even seeming to care that the Joker and Harley Quinn were standing next to him as he felt about desperately for it. "Little piece of cotton, help me look for it!"

Joker looked at Harley, puzzled. "Gee, he must have really hit his head hard. He's more concerned with some little patch than the fact he's trapped in a building with us. What's so special about the patch, sport?"

"I don't have time to explain – just help me find it," he said. "Quickly! Please!"

"Why don't you tell me what happens when we find it, and then we'll help you look for it," replied Joker.

"It's not what happens when you find it!" snapped Jack Ryder. "It's what happens if you don't! I can't control it…I…he…oh no! Oh no, he's coming! I can feel him…he's coming!"

He gasped, falling to his knees. Joker and Harley watched in confusion as Jack Ryder suddenly began to change, as his skin yellowed and his hair became a dark green and his face twisted itself into a maniacal smile. He suddenly looked up, laughing.

"Oh…my…God," stammered Harley, horrified.

"Aw, crap," muttered Joker, as they both looked down into the grinning, leering face of the Creeper.


	2. Chapter 2

"Well, hello, baby!" exclaimed the Creeper, suddenly grabbing Harley and pulling her into his arms. "Did ya miss me? Of course you did, pussycat, I know you like 'em wild!" he chuckled.

"Just back off, creep!" shouted Harley, shoving herself away from him and rushing to embrace the Joker firmly. "Why can't you show a gal a little respect?"

"Because, honey kitten, you drive me crazy!" he chuckled. "And people do crazy things when they're in love! You really should stop hanging around this loser," he said, jumping over to them and suddenly knocking Joker out of the way. "He doesn't appreciate the hot little tamale you are, not the way Daddy Creeper would," he murmured, seizing her and licking her cheek. She shuddered and struggled against him.

"Hey, Harley's only got one Daddy, and that's me," growled Joker, grabbing Harley's arm and pulling her back to him. "She said she ain't interested, pal, so just lay off."

"Hmm, let me think about it," said Creeper, tilting his head to one side. "Nope," he said, seizing Harley's other arm and laughing as he tried to pull her away.

"Will you boys stop?" shrieked Harley. "I ain't a goddamn rag doll!"

"Yeah, you don't wanna break her, so just let go!" shouted Joker.

"You first, Mr. Happy," he retorted, yanking Harley suddenly out of his grip. He laughed, clutching Harley tightly. "And the winner is Creeper!" he exclaimed triumphantly. "The crowd goes wild! Woo! Yay! All right, way to go, Creeper! C'mon, baby, give me a victory kiss," he murmured, bringing his mouth toward her.

Harley struck him across the jaw. "Oh, you're just the fiery little minx I remember!" he giggled, hugging her tightly. "C'mon, sweetcheeks, let's go someplace a little more private. If you're a real good girl, I might even buy you dinner!" he chuckled. He suddenly threw Harley over his shoulder and jumped up on some boxes, heading for the hole in the roof.

"Mr. J!" shrieked Harley, struggling and holding out her arms to him. "Help!"

"Yeah, yeah, I'm coming, you useless brat!" he muttered, climbing after him. He hissed at the pain in his leg. "Stupid kid," he growled, limping. "Stabs me in the leg and still expects me to rescue her. Harley, if he gets away with kidnapping you, it's entirely your own fault!"

"Mr. J, please!" cried Harley, still fighting madly to get free. "Help!"

Creeper jumped out of the hole in the roof and began leaping down from the building, quick and precise as a cat. Joker was not as agile, especially not with a wounded leg, and was only halfway down the building when Creeper landed on the ground. He saw Joker and laughed. "Hey look, sugarcakes, there's something icky crawling down the building. Don't worry – Daddy Creeper will kill the nasty old bug," he chuckled, seizing a gun from one of the surrounding police officers, who were too stunned to react immediately to the situation.

"Mr. J!" screamed Harley, as Creeper aimed. She knocked the gun just before he fired it, and the bullet impacted right above Joker. He looked down as Creeper grabbed a pair of handcuffs from one of the other cops and restrained Harley, throwing her over his shoulder again.

"Hey! I'm the only guy who can handcuff her!" he shouted. "And…maybe Bats! Who could really be useful right now anytime he decides to show his ugly mug!" he snapped, looking around.

Creeper shot at him again and missed. "Strike two – three strikes you're out!" he laughed, aiming the gun again.

Joker didn't see any other option. With a sigh, he let go of the building and fell. The bullet impacted an instant later right where he had been hanging. The ground came up quickly and Joker shut his eyes, preparing for pain. "Just close your eyes and think of Bats," he chuckled to himself.

But he was caught suddenly. He opened his eyes to see himself in Batman's arms. "Why, Batsy, I knew you cared! I just knew it!" he laughed, hugging him. "My hero!"

"Mr…" screamed Harley again, before Creeper shoved the tie he had been wearing into her mouth, gagging her. He then bounded off down the street.

"Sorry, Bats, guess you won't get that kiss after all!" laughed Joker, struggling to his feet. "Let's go!"

"This way," said Batman, grabbing his arm and running toward the Batmobile. They both leapt inside as Batman started the engine, and then raced after Creeper into the streets of Gotham. Creeper jumped from building to building, changing direction completely unpredictably.

"No, left! Left!" shouted Joker, seizing the wheel of the Batmobile and turning it sharply.

"Look, I'm driving my car!" yelled Batman, shoving him away. Creeper reversed direction suddenly, and Joker grabbed the steering wheel again as Batman tried to push him off. This resulted in the car crashing into the building in front of them.

Creeper jumped down to land on the hood. "So stop me if you've heard this one. A bat and a clown walk into a car…"

Batman jumped through the windscreen, trying to grab him, but Creeper was too quick. He jumped over him, and then kicked him from behind, knocking him over and slamming his face down into the hood. "And this is why you should always wear your seatbelts, kids!" he chuckled. "Since I defeated the Bat, guess that makes me the new hero of Gotham, huh? And the hero always gets the girl. Tough break, Mr. Happy," he giggled.

Joker dived toward him, but Creeper leapt out of the way and Joker hit the ground instead. Creeper jumped again, onto his spine. "Now that's what I call back-breaking comedy!" he laughed, as Joker shouted in pain. "Well, I think I've done enough damage around this popsicle stand – I'm outta here!" he chuckled. "Breaking news: crazy nutjob escapes with hot clown girl hostage, more at 11!" he said, bouncing away with Harley still struggling to get free.

"You're dead, Creepo!" shouted Joker. "Nobody steals my stuff! You hear me? Nobody! And where the hell have you all been?" he demanded as the police rushed over to them. "Can't you even stop one psychotic maniac?! The least you coulda done was try to shoot him!"

"Batman, what do you want us to do?" asked Commissioner Gordon as Batman slowly stood up, feeling his head.

"Send some men after him," said Batman. "See if they can follow him. I want to know his location."

Gordon nodded. "Bullock, get five squads after him. I don't want him escaping. Tell them when he stops running, they can radio me and Batman at the GCPD."

"It's like he broke my spine!" hissed Joker as several policmen surrounded him. "Now I know how your daughter must feel, Commissioner!" he laughed.

Gordon looked at him contemptuously. "What should we do with him?" he asked Batman.

"He's coming with us," said Batman.

Gordon stared at him. "To the GCPD?" he said. "Are you sure that's a good idea?"

Batman nodded. "I'll be watching him. He won't be able to try anything funny."


	3. Chapter 3

"Well, this is awkward for everyone," said Joker loudly, as he sat handcuffed to the heater in the offices of the GCPD. The policemen sat at their desks, snatching glances at him in a mixture of hatred and fear, as Joker just looked around, smiling. "Each of you probably knows at least one friend or colleague I've killed. Aw, hell, I won't sell myself short - modesty was never one of my virtues. Each of you probably knows about a hundred friends or colleagues I've killed! Slaughtering cops is like shooting fish in a barrel! And you can't spell slaughter without laughter, am I right?"

He laughed, which was cut off by Batman punching him in the face as he passed. "Hey, I need medical attention here, not more pain!" snapped Joker. "Got a stab wound in my leg, in case anyone cares!"

"Montoya, get him some bandages and shut him up," snapped Gordon, holding the radio to his ear.

"I do wonder how many policemen I've killed over the years," sighed Joker, wistfully. "Must be quite a few. I'm betting in the thousands. Sorry, I should say police-people, shouldn't I, sweetheart?" he said, as Montoya threw some bandages at him. "I ain't discriminatory in terms of gender – I'm a feminist, actually."

"Don't make me laugh," snarled Montoya.

"It's true!" he exclaimed, bandaging his wound with his free hand. "I believe men and women are equal! And I'd hit a guy any day, so why shouldn't I hit a girl? I'd also kill a guy any day, so why wouldn't the same apply to the ladies? That's what feminism is all about, ain't it, toots?"

Montoya ignored him, heading back over to Gordon. "I want all units on the lookout for him," Gordon was saying into the radio. "I have five squads following him who haven't reported back yet. This guy is no joke."

"He sure as hell ain't," said Joker. "Not even remotely funny. In that way, he and Harley are perfectly matched!"

He laughed again, and Batman punched him again. "Aren't you at all concerned for the safety of your girlfriend at the hands of that maniac?" he demanded.

Joker shrugged. "Don't much care what happens to her, as long as I get her back. It's a matter of principle, Bats. What would happen to my reputation if I let people go around stealing my stuff? I ain't a possessive guy or anything, but I don't really believe in the whole sharing thing, and I don't like other kids playing with my toys. I'm sure you understand. How would you like it if I stole one of your Bat-gadgets? There are certain things that you mark as yours that you don't want other people touching. I've marked Harley as mine. It's obvious from the clown makeup and everything, but I also carved a J over her heart just to make sure people know, in case she's not wearing her costume or something. I like to personalize all my stuff, just like you do! It's just like you putting your little Bat ears on your equipment," he chuckled, reaching for a Batarang on Batman's belt.

Batman punched him again. "I'm sorry you can't see the difference between a piece of metal, and a person," he snapped. "Although I suppose it explains a lot about your ridiculous disregard for human life. You mock everything I and these brave people around me stand for."

"Yeah, I do tend to do that, being the Joker and all," he retorted, grinning. "Anyway, you shouldn't take yourself so seriously all the time. Wouldn't kill you to smile, y'know, Bats."

"I don't see anything to smile about at the moment, and neither should you," retorted Batman.

"You don't, eh?" chuckled Joker. "Well, how about this. Harley's been kidnapped by a second-rate, less funny version of me who adores her, which, ironically, she detests. And I'm cooperating with both you and the police to find her and save her. The whole situation is one big farce, a comedic sketch waiting to happen. And frankly, I'm excited to see where it goes." He snapped his fingers suddenly. "Smithson! Did anybody here know Lieutenant Smithson? Got blown up in my last bombing of the Gotham Mint?"

"I knew him," snapped one of the officers. "He was my partner."

Joker reached into his pocket and pulled out a blackened badge, holding it out to him.

"Found this and thought it would be nice to return it to his friends," he said, smiling. "Be careful – the blast welded bits of his skin to it. But now you always have a little piece of him to remember him by!" he chuckled.

The police officer struck him in the face, and began beating him violently, before Batman pulled him back. "It won't do any good – it's just what he wants," snapped Batman as Joker laughed hysterically. "He's trying to lower you to his level. Don't let him win."

"I'm trying to do no such thing," said Joker, offended. "No one is capable of reaching my level. You consider it low, I consider it high, but what does it matter, really? The point is I'm the only one on it. My point, if I must have one, and I don't really, because jokes don't need to have one, is that it doesn't take much to drive a man over the edge. I daresay this young man would take great delight in killing me if you weren't there to prevent him. It's fear that keeps people in line, not natural goodness or morality. Sorry you can't see that, Bats, but then I guess you are blind as a bat!"

He chuckled to himself. Batman said nothing, but glared at him and turned back to the Commissioner, who had just seized the radio. "Sir? We've found him."

"Good. Where?"

"Apartment building on the corner of 8th and 3rd. Just getting the details in now…apparently the apartment belongs to Jack Ryder?"

Gordon looked at Batman. "What, you mean he just went home?" said Joker, increduously. "What a moron! All that panic and we should have just checked the most obvious…"

Batman punched him again, silencing him. "I don't want his identity leaving this room," he snapped. "It's not something Jack Ryder can control, and he shouldn't be punished for it."

"No," agreed Gordon, slowly.

"Well, I sure as hell ain't gonna keep it a secret," chuckled Joker. "The public has a right to know. Freedom of information and all that. I know I'd shout it from the rooftops if I ever found out your secret identity, Bats," he said, grinning.

"It doesn't matter what you say, Joker, nobody's going to trust your word anyway," retorted Batman, unlocking the handcuffs and dragging him to his feet. "We're going after him. Gordon, tell your men to back off and leave this to me. I don't want anyone else getting hurt by that maniac except for me and Joker."

"Why me?" demanded Joker.

"Because it's your girlfriend we're trying to rescue!" snapped Batman.

"Yeah, and I do the involuntary hurting in our relationship!" retorted Joker. "She ain't worth suffering for, the useless little brat, not unless I'm in the mood for a little rough-housing. Ow! Would ya stop hitting me, Bats? It's gonna leave a mark, and then Harley might get jealous," he chuckled. "And you don't wanna see the dame when she's angry – little minx is just merciless."

"Stand by the radio to make sure your men get back safe," said Batman, ignoring Joker as he dragged him out the door. "And remember, not a word about Ryder."

"Of course, Batman," said Gordon, nodding. He watched him leave and then muttered, "Still, it might be useful next time he accuses me of stifling the press…"


	4. Chapter 4

Harley had been handcuffed to the heater in Jack Ryder's apartment, and was struggling to pick the lock with her hairpin while he was out of the room. "Stupid, unfunny, disrespectful son of a bitch," she muttered. "You can't just handcuff a gal without her permission. It's like tying a gal up, or hitting her – it's gotta be consensual abuse. Otherwise it's just wrong, and unless it's Mr. J wrong, it ain't right. Mr. J understands, but this guy's apparently too thick to get it. Jerk."

She could feel the lock giving way, when suddenly Creeper appeared in the room again, dressed in his striped underpants and boa, and nothing else. "That feels better!" he chuckled. "So much more comfortable! How about you changing into something more comfortable too, babycakes?" he murmured, grinning. "Got a little something for ya, sugar," he said, pulling out a striped bikini set to match his own, and a thinner boa. "You can put it on, and then we can make some beautiful music together!"

"How do you expect me to do that when I'm handcuffed?" snapped Harley, angrily.

"I'll let you outta the bracelets, baby, if you promise not to run away," he said. "Will my cuddly cutie-pie promise her loving Creeper Weeper that she'll be a good girl?" he said, squeezing her cheeks and bringing his puckered lips towards her.

Harley kicked at him, knocking him back. "I don't promise you nothing!" she retorted. "I ain't some loose blonde floozy who'll just get off with any guy! I love my Mr. J, and if you ain't him, I ain't gonna do anything for ya! And you ain't him!"

Creeper sighed. "Ok, sweetums. How about this? You don't have to do anything else but put on the costume. I won't force you into anything you don't wanna do, but I wanna see how you'd look if I were lucky enough to have you as my little partner in crime. That won't kill you, will it? Can I let you go and have your promise to do that?"

Harley glared at him, but she didn't really see any other choice. "Fine," she snapped. "But you gotta promise me that's it."

"That's it," he said, raising his hand. "Cross my heart and hope to cry. Scouts honor. On my mother's grave, although she's not dead. On my unborn kids, I swear."

Harley nodded, and he unlocked the handcuffs. She took the outfit from him and left the room, locking herself in the bathroom. "Disgusting creep," she muttered. "I don't even like stripes. Plus ain't it the horizontal ones that make you look fat? Bet he don't even know that because he ain't got no fashion sense."

She stood up and looked in the mirror, making a face. "And I ain't really comfortable showing this much skin," she muttered. "Not for another guy but Mr. J anyway. You can see my scar," she said, touching the J carved over her heart. "That's me and Mr. J's private thing. I don't like showing that off to just anybody – it makes it seem less intimate. Plus it's freezing," she said, shivering. She crossed her arms over her chest and pulled the boa around her throat like a scarf. Then she took a deep breath and left the bathroom.

Creeper's jaw dropped when he saw her. "Woah," he gasped. "I'm in love!" he cried suddenly, rushing at her and squeezing her tightly. "You are just the most precious thing I've ever seen, sugarcakes! And has anybody ever told you your body is to die for?"

"Mr. J says he'd like to carve it up someday, so yeah, I guess," replied Harley.

Creeper drew away and gaped at her again, grinning. "I want this," he said, gesturing at her. "I want all of this, more than Robin wants a fashion designer."

"Pot to the kettle," muttered Harley.

He suddenly seized her in his arms again, pulling her close. "Now c'mon, baby, don't be mean," he murmured. "You can see how well we suit each other, can't you? You can see how we're meant to be, right? Stop fighting it. Just give in to the madness now."

"I told you, I'm already crazy for another guy!" hissed Harley. "And I'm the kinda gal who's crazy for life! You've got no chance, Creepo, so just get your hands off me!"

"Oh honey kitten, you keep trying to fight destiny," he whispered. "But you can't. We're made for each other. I'm yours, and you're mine."

Harley shoved herself away from him. "No, I ain't!" she snapped, pointing at her scar. "I'm Mr. J's! That means I'm his property!"

Creeper seized her again. "Silly little baby," he giggled. "You ain't property. You're a precious, beautiful woman. You're Creeper's precious, beautiful woman. So stop fighting now."

And he forced his mouth upon hers in a kiss. And that was when the Joker burst through the window.

"Calvary's here, pumpkin…" he began, before his eyes fell on the scene before him and widened in horror.

Harley ripped herself away from Creeper. "Mr. J, it's not what you…" she began.

"What the hell is this?" he gasped, gesturing to her outfit.

"He made me wear it, Mr. J, he…" stammered Harley, terrified.

Joker's eyes lit with an intense fury. He suddenly jumped at the Creeper, knocking him to the ground and beating him repeatedly with the handcuffs he was still wearing on one arm. "Mine!" he shrieked. "Mine, mine, mine! She's mine, and you don't touch my stuff, you useless, stupid, unfunny, fashion disaster!"

Batman had followed Joker into the apartment, and now pulled him off the Creeper, slapping handcuffs onto him.

"That should hold him for now…" began Batman, but nobody was listening to him. He turned to see Joker striding over to Harley.

"You avert your eyes, Bats!" he snapped. "I don't want any guys looking at my Harley girl when she's exposed like that!" He ripped off his jacket and covered her. "Now go and put the damn clown costume back on!" he snapped at her. "And don't you ever show that much skin in public again, you hear me?! I ain't gonna have other guys ogling my property! Don't want them getting any ideas! You've already caused me enough trouble for one day, you worthless, pathetic waste of space!"

"Yes, Mr. J," murmured Harley, heading back to the bathroom.

Joker whirled around to face the Creeper. "And you," he hissed. "I'm gonna make you pay real good for what you've done. I'm gonna make you sorry you ever thought of touching her!"

"At least one of us thinks of touching her," retorted Creeper, grinning.

"And one of us can do more than just think about it!" snapped Joker. "And it ain't you!"

Batman reached into his utility belt and pulled out a patch. He bent down to place it on Creeper's arm, when he suddenly jumped to his feet, knocking him away. "Too slow!" he chuckled. "Now bedtime for Batty!"

He slammed his handcuffs into Batman's skull, and he fell. Then he turned to face Joker, grinning. "Just you and me again, Mr. Happy," he laughed. "How about a duel to the death?"

"Bring it on," snapped Joker.

Harley was adjusting her harlequin hat when she heard the scuffling from the next room. She rushed out of the bathroom to see Creeper holding down Joker and slamming his face into the floor, chuckling.

And that was the final straw for Harley. She seized a lamp and struck him across the head with it, knocking him off Joker. Then she beat Creeper repeatedly, screaming, "Now you listen to me, you disgusting creep! You leave Mr. J and me alone! If I ever see you again, I swear I'm gonna beat you until your brains ooze out onto the floor, although there probably won't be much in there if I'm honest! But I love Mr. J, and I ain't ever gonna be with anyone else, so get that through your thick skull!"

She struck him once more, knocking him senseless. "And get a better costume!" she shrieked, kicking him for good measure. "You ain't got the figure for the one you got!"

Panting in fury, she dropped the lamp, and then turned to Joker, who was struggling to his feet, muttering, "Why do I always get my ass kicked by this guy? Guess I know how Bats must feel fighting me now!"

He chuckled, looking at Batman, who was still unconscious. Then he turned to Harley and beamed. "Come to Daddy, pumpkin pie," he murmured.

She squeaked happily. "Oh, Mr. J!" she cried, leaping into his arms.

"You know, pumpkin, watching you beat Creepo senseless has really put Daddy in the mood," he murmured, kissing her.

"Bedroom's next door, puddin'," she breathed, wrapping her arms around his neck and kissing him. "And I even got the handcuffs," she said, holding a pair up.

He chuckled. "Well, I ain't gonna show any restraint, cupcake, I promise you that."

She giggled as he carried her into the neighboring room, laying her down on the bed and shutting the door.


	5. Chapter 5

Batman regained conciousness slowly. He looked around to see the Creeper lying senseless on the floor, and took this opportunity to put the patch on him. Creeper moaned, and then slowly began to transform back into Jack Ryder.

Ryder opened his eyes, looking around at the destruction. "What…what happened?" he muttered, feeling his head.

"Creeper," retorted Batman. "And Joker and Harley. Frankly, you're probably lucky to be alive."

"Yeah, I remember seeing them and being terrified at losing my patch," he murmured. "But I don't remember anything after that."

"Probably for the best," said Batman.

Ryder shook his head. "Just gonna go get some water," he said, heading for the bathroom.

Batman suddenly heard him say, "Oh God!"

He hurried over to see him standing by the door to his bedroom, staring in horror at the chaos. Almost everything in the room had been smashed or broken, and there was a message left on the wall written in shaving foam:

_Hope the headaches aren't too bad, but you deserve them for the headache you both gave me today. Fortunately Harley made things right with some far better than mediocre sex _(and here the handwriting changed slightly with the words: _Told ya, puddin'!_) _I would say sorry about the mess, but I ain't. Have fun cleaning up, and don't worry – your secret's safe with me, Jack. Ha ha ha! – J_

Batman and Ryder shared a look, before the latter sighed heavily and said, "I'll get the mop."

**The End**


End file.
